Hello?

Hi, John, how are you?

Hi, Merlin.

[Laughs] It’s early.

It is early; it’s too early for me to sing our theme song. Or your theme.

[Sings] Merlin Mann.

Oh, now you’re singing it.

[Sings] I’m watching you, I see your every move.

[Chuckles]

I don’t think that guy gets the credit he deserves. I think Oates gets more than enough credit, but I think Hall should get more credit.

You’re starting off today by stipulating that Oates gets all the credit he deserves, but Hall—

More. More than the credit—

You’re saying Oates gets too much credit. [Laughs]

I probably put that poorly because it’s very, very early. Our listeners, due to the asynchronous, time shifting nature of media today, will probably already be drunk, and it will be late at night when they’re listening to this, but for our purposes this is by far the earliest we’ve ever tried to do anything.

It’s maybe the earliest I’ve ever tried to do anything.

After sleeping.

I have not slept. That’s part of the problem.

Come on!

Well, I didn’t sleep.

I asked my lady about this. See I was worried about that. And now I’m just saying there may have been times that you have decided to — for whatever reason — clean one of your sidearms at 03:30, but that’s probably because you hadn’t slept yet.

Right.

And unless somebody was sawing a tree down in the next yard you probably don’t normally wake up this early.

No. I don’t. And I’m certainly not accustomed to considering Oates this early.

I’m sorry.

You know what I mean?

I do.

Oates is something that I save for after lunch.

It’s like a delicious moustachio dessert.

It’s an aperitif to sit and think about Oates’ place in the rock pantheon. But I agree that Daryl Hall is one of the great stylists.

I made fun of him for a long time. There’s two artists/bands that I realise were way better in some ways than I thought. I don’t want to talk about Journey, but Journey is one of them, and the other one — Journey’s way better than I thought — and then the other one is absolutely Daryl Hall. I had no idea. If you listen to that maneater crap, you don’t appreciate what a terribly gifted man Daryl Hall is.

It’s absolutely true. And I think this speaks to the value of the greatest hits compilation.

Oh, it’s a good greatest hits.

I did not understand how good Journey was until I dug into Journey’s greatest hits. Now obviously this was twenty years ago that I discovered Journey’s greatest hits.

That’s fine, you can stop right there. That was more than fine.

[Laughs]

I think if you stopped at Separate Ways, you were pretty good. Like maybe a little before. A little before Separate Ways.

Yeah. I mean I’m talking about greatest hits, I’m not talking about hits.

You’re talking about that one with wings on the cover, and I think it might have had a scarab on it.

It had a scarab, and maybe the scarab was in a spaceship, too, that was leaving Earth.

Yeah, there was a really flimsy — like flimsy on the level of, like, Zen Arcade story, I think — to the album covers. Like it was supposed to be, you know, Discovery and Escape and Monetization.

It’s like all the Boston album covers, where the city of Boston is a pod.

Is that what that is?

Yeah, the city of Boston is an enclosed city in a glass pod, and then it blasts off for outer space, and I think in the final Boston album cover it is revealed that the city of Boston is actually on a giant guitar.

You just blew my mind.

It’s a glass pod on a flying space guitar.

That also explains why the pod has so much compression on it.

There is a lot of compression on it.

There is so much. Did you ever play it through a Rockman? Back in the day?

Of course, everybody did.

I had a fake, I had a knock off Rockman, I had like a Stockplan, or something.

The original Rockman was pretty, pretty cool.

For — yeah — sitting around.

You had a Stockman?

Yeah it was like cattle, it had a cattle plug.

Was it named after Reagan’s dirt budget director?

It came from Kansas City Electronics. John Stockman, is that his name?

No John Stockman was a basketball player from the Utah Jazz.

Who’s the confused guy that ran a civilization in Vietnam? Remember him? He was running for vice president with Ross Perot? Stockdale. Stockdale?

Oh, Stockdale, right.

That’s a sad story.

He went up the river. He went up the river.

He went up hard. I mean that guy, it’s a shame that that’s our memory of him, because that guy, he was hardcore.

You know, you think he’s a crazy man, but he’s not a crazy man.

He can’t land on a fraction, he can’t land on a, he can’t land on a… [Giggles]. I wanna memorize that, so that any time I get bad customer service, I can go into Dennis Hopper’s monologue from Apocalypse Now.

I’ve been trying to memorize it for a long time, but it is so, Hopper is so stoned, that, and it’s so improvised that it’s so hard to get inside his mind. Unlike Michael Corleone’s speech in the Italian restaurant before he shoots…

Oh yes.

… the cop in, when he says —

Sorry, go ahead.

When he says: “What I want,”

“What I want,”

“is a guarantee. No more attempts on my father’s life.”

And then you know who mine is in the next one? “Where my family sweeps.” Wait, let me start again. “Where my family sleeps; where my children play with their toys!”

[Laughs]

“In my home!”

And that’s before he started yelling a lot, that’s back when. Oh man, that scene. You know what, we don’t have time for this, because we gotta do a shortie today, but if you ever get to see, like I own like a couple of things on blu-ray, and one of them is The Godfather trilogy — I’ve watched two of them — and the documentary about the restoration of that is amazing. It’s amazing. You watch that scene now, and you can see he’s got ticks, like his face is quivering in that scene, you never see that in that shitty print Columbia was passing off in the eighties. It’s amazing.

Yeah, shitty print.

Wait until you see. No listen, as somebody who cares about this bullshit with music, it’s gonna blow your mind what they did. There was not a usable negative of The Godfather anymore.

So what happened?

They had to scan it frame by frame at 4K, and go through and by hand, pixel by pixel, go and fix it to the original, and not take out the noise, that’s the key. Everybody says “Oh it’s so noisy,” “So, it’s very noisy on Blu-Ray,” well of course it is, dickhead. It’s because, it’s brilliant…

Right, dickheads that are complaining about the Blu-Ray noise.

Fucking people.

Jeez.

Okay, I wanna go back. Let me go back a minute, to Daryl Hall.

I just bought one of those large televisions. Not for myself, but for a friend of mine, a close friend.

For your child?

Yeah. Now that my child is eleven months old I figured it was time for her, time for me to introduce her to the Director’s Cut of Bladerunner.

Right.

And so I bought, well I didn’t actually buy, I had a hand in buying.

I think you bought what’s called the Final Cut of Bladerunner, which is much better.

I was present for the purchasing of a very large television. And I find it now very distracting to see how ugly people are now that they’re blown up so much larger.

Conan O’Brian and Cameron Diaz. Wow. Cameron Diaz looks like a pub park golf course, and not in a good way.

Yeah, I never understood Cameron Diaz. I remember when that movie Something About Mary came out and everybody was talking about her: “Oh, it’s the funniest movie, ahahahaha.”

She’s like the K-Mart Julia Roberts.

I didn’t see it in the theaters, but as soon as available on VHS tape, a lady friend of mine at the time and I rented this movie and we laid down in bed with our feet on the pillows, facing the television, chins propped up on our hands.

That’s a sweet image, John.

“Oh, boy, we’re gonna watch this really funny romantic comedy that everybody likes so much,” and the movie came on and I just felt like it was so dead inside, so cynical, and so unfunny, and so just dead, that the image that Cameron Diaz portrayed of what was apparently every guy in America’s dream girl. It was just so rotten at the core.

I admire that. First of all I admire anything involving Jonathan Richman, so I admire the attempt to make a little world. That world was not successful for you, but I think the idea of this overly ridiculously generous woman and this guy who calls them retards is pretty funny. I thought that was funny. Now they’re very broad. They are a very broad bunch, those guys.

Yeah they’re broad. They’re too broad for me.

They also made Jim Carrey popular, which has been really hard on me.

You know the one movie I ever walked out on was—

Ace Ventura?

Well first of all I’ve already started lying, because I’ve walked out on multiple movies.

I was going to say. I was going to start making a list of just guessing.

But the movie that I remember walking out on, where I actually stood up at the front of the theatre and threw down my kid gloves in disgust, made a point of walking out, made a point of stomping my feet as I went out.

Did you go out in a huff?

I went out, not just in a huff, but I was indignant that everyone else in the theatre didn’t get up and follow me. Like I thought: “This is a movie where I’m going to stand up and I’m going to say ‘Gentlemen! I’m not going to stand here, and listen to you bad mouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!’”

Now that’s a good movie.

And then we would all stand up and march out to beat of The Bridge over the River Kwai, and then nobody followed me. Everybody else was like duuuuh, chewing their cud like a bunch of cows.

That’s why we lost the Cold War, attitudes like that.

It was Dick Tracy.

Oooooh, that’s broad.

Dick Tracy. Starring Madonna.

And all the make up. There was a lot of make up.

Oh my god it was, and here’s the problem. Here’s the thing.

Here’s the thing about Dick Tracy.

I made the terrible mistake, this is a long time ago, I made the terrible mistake of smoking a joint, smoking some marijuana [mar-ee-joo-wah-nuh] before I went to see this movie, which is usually good. Usually it gets you into the thing. But the being stoned took me completely out of the movie. I could not relate to the bad acting.

It’s got that uncanny valley thing.

Yeah. Right, that’s exactly right. It’s like watching sex dolls make a movie. Eugh.

I don’t think I’d like that at all. Especially if they all looked a little bit different. And they looked a little bit like people you knew, but with bigger noses that were shiny.

It depends on who the co-stars are.

In this sex doll thing?

I’m starting to think about a sex doll movie.

I am too. Have you ever seen those love dolls?

I have seen those love dolls. I’ve never seen one in person.

I’m intrigued by the love dolls. I don’t know if I’d want to be with one for a long time, but I’d like to at least just meet one.

I’m afraid one day I’m going to go, and somebody’s going to say, like: “Oh come over to my house, I’ve got some files for you,” or whatever it is, however it is that people end up at other people’s houses.

And you’re gonna open the closet?

And I’m going to be at their house and they’ll be like: “Hey, hang on just a second I have to go to the back room and get the files,” and I’m going to be walking around their living room opening doors, as you do. And I’ll open a closet door and there’s going to be a love doll in there and I’m going to not know what to do.

Just like you with a fake beard?

I’m not going to know whether to grab her and run into the bathroom real quick and have sex with her and put her back…

I had so many things to ask you this week, John, that I’m very, I feel like I shouldn’t say this, but I have so many questions about sex dolls, the love doll in particular. So I mean, I’m going to let you pick.

Well here’s the thing I have noticed…

Here’s the thing about love dolls.

The thing I have recently discovered about love dolls is that they have tried to, people are going to wonder why I know so much about this.

We should explain what a love doll is, for the people who are gifted and lucky and fortunate enough to not know what a love doll is. There have for years been, usually as a psyche gag in a movie involving Steve Guttenberg.

One of the great comedy geniuses, although his performance in Cocoon was a little…

If you mention that one more time I swear to God our show is over. What I will say to you is this — this is called a segue: the first movie I ever remember walking out of was Short Circuit.

Oh, man. Harsh.

Which considering it had like a robot and Ally Sheedy, who I would ruin. Ugh.

I love Short Circuit. The robot!

Yeah.

You know he becomes so human.

I’m not going to sit and listen to people talk about America like that. So for years there have been these jokey things, like you know a lot of stuff in sex shops is not really for sex?

Blow up dolls.

Well yeah, and they’re like a beach ball with holes. It barely looks like anything. The men ones are super creepy, the women ones are super creepy, but the idea was it had this thing that you could put your wiener in. And it had this mouth, this big, scary, wide mouth.

They had a couple of places you could put your wiener, there was the mouth area.

Was there a back door?

Then there was the other area, yeah. Both areas.

And it had a little, like a shock of weird looking, probably animal hair, where the lady hair would be.

Yeah, it was a beach ball, with a shock of lady hair.

A penetrable beach ball.

Right. That’s the old days. But the new days.

Yeah. So loneliness 2.0 came along in the late nineties, and I first remember this because it was a really pretty website that you couldn’t stop looking at called love doll, I think it was actually called lovedoll.com, I don’t know if it’s still around.

And you just went there because the website was pretty, you wanted to see the HTML.

John, I have a lot of really weird sex things I like, but the love doll does not ring a lot of those bells.

Where are my three by five cards, I need to start writing this down.

I’m not going to talk about this here.

The love dolls are on?

Do not, no. Well no, and that’s the thing. I would admit to you if it was one of them. I’m comfortable talking about this intellectually, but not because…

Because you’re not turned on by it?

Well you know there’s a documentary about this, right?

I didn’t know.

Oh, yeah.

Is it sexy?

I would say, I don’t know if there’s an opposite of sexy. I guess the opposite of sexy is tea party, but I have not looked, I am not going to type right now anymore. The notion is though, the love doll, from the get-go, day zero, they wanted to make the most frighteningly life-like doll, sex partner.

It actually has an inner skeletoid, kind of, like you can bend and mold these girls.

Well it’s everything, the skin gives like human skin would give, the whole…

Under a knife point.

[Giggles] And the lady holes are extremely detailed, it’s like something Nasa would make. If Nasa had to make a rectum, they would make, this is a Nasa style rectum, and a jay jay.

I think there are people who listen to this podcast who work for Nasa.

Well I think that’s a big — Dan. I just called you Dan, holy shit.

Don’t call me Dan.

I’m sorry I’ll cut that out. Listen.

Thankfully he doesn’t listen to this podcast, it’s not a problem.

I know. Oh boy, that’s embarrassing. Well here’s the thing.

Now I’m starting to think about a Nasa made rectum.

Well think about this: Velcro. There are probably a lot of people who said don’t bother, right? Like Tang, they probably said you’re burning cycles on this, and today we have a better lifestyle because Tang is no longer popular. But we still love Velcro.

I have not had Tang in a long time.

Now here’s the thing. What’s interesting. God fucking damn it I don’t even know where to start with this.

Hot Tang!

Let’s get through the big parts. The skin feels, and again we all know what the uncanny valley is.

Have you touched these things? Have you seen one in person?

No, but everybody says the same thing. They’re so creepily real that they’re not real. Their FAQ has a thing on how to make her skin warm! It’s totally creepy. And then.

Put her in a giant microwave or something, what do you do?

Yeah it’s called a love microwave, it’s very large. And it has a defrost.

Here’s my insight into the love doll, uncanny valley problem, which is that they have addressed now — the love doll people, love doll, inc. — has addressed the uncanny valley by making a new version of love dolls—

Realdoll. Fuck, Realdoll.

Oh, Realdoll, I’m sorry, Realdoll. A new version of Realdolls which are less realistic and more cartoony.

Exactly what I was going to say. Oh yeah you can get like manga ones now.

Yeah you can get crazy ones that look like manga cartoons.

Like cosplay ones, like cosplay looking.

And people are super psyched about these as addressed to the problem of “I have a dead rubber girl in my closet.” Now you don’t have a dead rubber girl, you have a fetish item. You have a cartoon rabbit. It appeals to people who are furries and stuff.

I have friends who are furries, they’re nice.

I’m having sex with a rubber rabbit girl!

That’s not weird.

Not a dead girl.

Oh my god, look at the guys. The guys all look like John Waite.

Here’s the thing about guys, is that guys are ugly. Even real guys are ugly.

Oh criminy. I don’t know if you’re looking at this, but one of them looks a lot like post plastic surgery Bruce Jenner.

In all honesty what I’m looking at right now is vintage Porsches.

Okay.

I just have a bunch of vintage Porches up.

Boy gallery, that’s the one you want to look at. Okay, so let’s get past this. According to what I have read, these dolls which are made for you to put your penis in and do other things with, you can dress them up, you can do whatever you want.

You can put your penis on them, you don’t have to put it in them.

You can do whatever you want. It’s yours now, you bought it.

That’s right, exactly.

It comes in this, well so to speak, it arrives in this big box, and it’s very well cared for. We’ve got to look up this documentary, I forgot what it’s called. I’m sorry we got the name wrong. For everybody who works at Realdoll, I’m sorry, no disrespect to your work.

If anybody listening works at Realdoll, and you want to send trial Realdolls out to pensive podcasters.

Send two to John and none to me. Would you like a — John, I don’t want to go ping pong here, but you got a lot of options here.

Well sure you can get an Asian Realdoll.

You can get an African-American lady with blonde hair and Chinese lady eyes.

Well here’s the thing.

Here’s the thing.

Here’s the problem. I like girls who kinda have a big nose.

A Jewish, you want a Jewish doll.

I like Jewey girls. And that is a thing that they, uh, that no one in the fantasy girl manufacturing business thinks that that is an advantage, right?

Oh boy there’s too many to choose from this week.

They’re all trying to put perky little noses on girls and they don’t offer…

You want to feel it, you wanna tap it against, punk, punk, punk, you want it hitting your lower abdomen. Am I right? Mazel tov. The fantasy girl manufacturing indust— was it industry or business? Was it industry?

Industry, industry. I think it’s and industry.

Pretty good. That’s terrible, that’s a shanda, you should let them know that they could make a lot more dough. Oh look at this, there’s a link in the side for lubricants.

Think of all the people in the middle east who would be buying Realdolls if they just had ones that had a little bit more of a beak.

Is that considered halal?

I think it is considered halal because no animals were killed to make the doll.

Okay, so if the rabbi was there when the put the lady’s jay jay on then that could conceivably get the “K” on it. Maybe she should get a tattoo. Maybe you get a Jewish and it has a big “K” in a circle. Not in a key place, but you know what I’m saying?

I’m sure that there is someone in Dubai, there is some imam.

Not Romania?

There is some guy in Dubai, some imam in Dubai who has issued a fatwa on — a fatwa is not always negative — has issued a positive fatwa on Realdolls.

It’s like a suggestion box, nice job.

Yeah it’s like: “I think that this passes. I think that the prophet Mohamed would have approved of this dead rubber girl.”

[Giggles] I have to imagine there are precious few men who are anywhere between just browsing casually to collecting these, who ever refer to them as my dead rubber girl. That would be a pretty song.

Dead rubber girl? Yeah, it’s a Dead Milkmen song, it sounds like.

Okay, I met a girl, and she was shiny on her skin. There is a — hi, Dean, if you’re listening. Did you know that somebody from that band listens to our show?

I’m very excited about that.

Because it’s a band I really like a lot.

Well I know, I do too and I did not realize that.

Oh no this is the kind of thing I’m facing now, realizing that people I know listen to this show and it freaks me out. And he’s just a super nice guy. We gotta fix that bug. I hope you haven’t got a bug. Here’s the thing, right now I wanna say one last thing. That in the entire side rail, there’s not one link in the side rail, I don’t even wanna click. I don’t wanna click on female Realdoll, female Realdoll 2, male Realdoll, Doll Closet — I’m so not clicking on that.

Doll Closet, exactly. Hello?

Doll Closet, that would be a great name for a bar where you had Realdolls. You know what I mean, you come in and you give them fake money and it pretends to dance.

That’s a Portland bar is what that is. But here’s the thing about a Realdoll.

Doll locations is the last one I want to mention.

One time a friend of mine, he needed to help his friend move his something or couch, or something, and he was like:

“Hey will you come and help me move this couch for this guy?”

And I said:

“Yeah, of course,” and we got in his car and drove over to this neighborhood that I never went to, and here’s this guy, a super nice guy, we’re hanging out, and we’re going to move his couch for him, and then it turns out he has a cockatiel. Right, he has a big, white cockatiel.

Like a beretta bird?

Yeah. And so I’m fascinated bird, he brings the bird out and I’m like:

“Oh my god, this bird is so amazing,” and the bird gets on my finger, and I feel like I’m really getting to know the bird and the bird is really getting to know me. It’s a smart bird, we’re interacting with each other. We’re having a moment, right? And the guy is remarking on it, like:

“Wow, he doesn’t usually like other people, my bird is really like, he digs you, man.”

I was like: “Yeah, your bird digs me. And I dig your bird.”

Hm.

And we’re kinda looking at each other, looking in each other’s eyes. And the bird leans down and gently grabs onto my lip with his beak. But he’s being very gentle and I’m like:

“This is nice. He’s giving me a kiss.”

At first I was scared but now it’s kind of pleasant.

And then the bird slips me the tongue. The bird puts his tongue in me.

Oh man. Like confidently?

Well yeah, like a kiss.

Jesus.

And I went: “Haha, weird,” and the guy, the owner gets all bent out of shape.

He’s like: “Hey, man! Why’re you kissing my bird? Why’re you french kissing my bird, dude?” and he’s pissed off.

And I’m like: “I didn’t french kiss your bird, your bird french kissed me. I’m just standing here. I was holding him on my finger and looking him in the eye and he just gives me his little blue tongue in the mouth.”

And the guy’s like: “Give me my bird back,” and he gets the bird, and he’s like “Why don’t you guys get out of here? Like I don’t even want you to move my couch,” and he literally kicks us out of his place. We didn’t do the favor that we came to do, and as we drive off he’s standing in the street, kissing his bird and all hacked off at me because I was copping a feel or whatever. And I was both offended and a little disgusted when I realized that I probably had salmonella at this point. But I feel like the problem with a Realdoll is the same thing. Because these things are not inexpensive.

No, but I mean, I get the sense that there’s a lot of craftsmanship that goes into one of these.

Yeah, so you buy one, you dress it up, you interact with it, spend a lot of time with it and then some guys come over to move your couch and you’re like: “Hey, I want you to meet somebody,” you almost couldn’t help it.

You gotta watch this movie, because it’s kind of, actually, it’s sweet, in its way. A lot of these guys, sure there’s definitely a somewhat sexual component to it.

They’re forever-alones, these guys.

That term, does it have a hyphen in it?

Forever-alone? I’m afraid that that is an internet meme that the young people use.

Is that from 4chan?

See I’m not uspposed to talk about it.

I appreciate that. I’m trying to figure this out, because I may have something here that merits some funding and possibly some kind of a series, let’s see. Okay, sorry. I just want you to know that they are made down by L.A., so if you came here we could go to the factory. You can get a factory tour, just for what it’s worth.

Well maybe we should do that. It’s just I’m trying to figure out what the etiquette is in advance if somebody introduces you to their dead rubber girl. Do you put your tongue in her mouth?

No.

Probably not. You know what else has been in her mouth. But what do you do? Do you pet her hair, how do you interact with her?

That’s a really good question, but I think— first of all I just want to be clear that again I do apologize to the people of Realdoll, trade mark of San, what is it, San Marcos? It’s one of those fake cities in California, San Marcos.

That’s not real.

No, it’s obviously made up. They say they’re the industry leaders since 1996.

Oh the industry leader? Well.

That’s a big vertical space, I guess.

They’re just taunting all the other dead rubber girl manufacturing industries.

Yeah, exactly. Like Fake Doll.

Haha, we’re the McDonalds of fuck dolls!

Now listen. I have a feeling there are places, there are fora that we could go to where we could get a lot of extremely specific tips, but here’s what I’m going to say: It’s going to be like a combination of being introduced to somebody’s younger than she should be girlfriend — not underaged — but like old guy with a lady in her twenties sort of thing. Like meeting her, combined with a siamese cat and maybe a nice car. I think all of the things that you would observe, okay? So in other words, don’t say she has nice tits, don’t put your hands near her mouth and don’t start rubbing the upholstery. I think that’s the kind of thing someone would respect. You come in, you treat my Realdoll with respect, just like you treat me. And I think the problem is that bird — I don’t know a lot, as you know I’m not an avian sex expert, John — but I think that bird might have been a little bit bird promiscuous, or at least a little bit human curious.

You know, after I was a few miles down the road, I thought that maybe the bird was, maybe that was a cry for help. Maybe it was saying: “Get me out of here.”

I’m imagining one of those sequences where like suddenly it goes “doodoodoodoo” and you can’t get the bird out of your mind, and the little blue tongue is very slowly, you’re still tasting bird seed.

“Oh cockatiel, oh cockatiel. Where?”

Dirty sounding bird.

It is.

Do those birds pack anything under the feather?

They’re quite big.

Yeah, sure.

I didn’t dig around under the feathers. I didn’t even know what gender the bird was. That could have been a totally gay experience that I had, with that bird.

It depends, like you said.

Beyond it being french kissing with a bird.

I think you stipulated that if you fuck something dead that is the same gender as you, that’s a gay thing. What about an animal? Did we talk about this? I mean we got into this a little bit, right?

Well you remember those guys who were down here in Woodinville that were going out in the middle of the night and having sex with horses, and then one guy got, well he died.

Consensually?

I can’t say how much a horse can consent to having sex with a guy.

If it taps twice. You like carrots? Hey, you like carrots? Chestnut, Chestnut, you like carrots?

But one of the guys died because the horse was having sex with him and he broke something on his insides.

On the horsey’s insides?

No, on the man’s insides.

Oh the horsey was the man?

In this scenario the horsey was the man character, and the human man was the lady character.

They call that horse topping. Oh, man.

And it broke something and I think he said. They were videotaping it because that’s what you do, right? You don’t want to let this moment go undocumented. And the guy said: “Oh, something just is wrong now,” and they raced him to the hospital.

I think horses have pretty large penises.

I believe that’s true. They are large animals.

They sure are, I think it’s generally a proportional thing. There is not even a word close, accidental? You know what, I’m not even going to say this. All I’m going to say is that if you make yourself a lady for a horse, I don’t want to say you get what you have coming because God bless you, if you’re somebody who’s happy doing what they’re doing, and the horse is into it.

I think they were hoping that they got what was coming. But I think you’re right. If you make yourself a lady horse, it is on you.

Literally.

The burden is on you to not die from being a lady horse.

Right. Do you think you would have called the next day, or waited?

I think that’s a thing where the owner of the horse did not approve.

This sounds like something where we could be getting into something talmudic, no offense. There’s a lot of complexity in this and I think regardless—

Did you just say no offense as though I would be offended by you making a talmud reference?

There might be something in the Pentateuch. I’m not sure, but I think this is the kind of thing that whether or not you agree with this, whether you think being a lady horse is ethical, regardless of your religious background, and I don’t want to get into religion, I think there are people that would have this discussion about some of these very things. Valentine’s Day. Is Valentine’s Day something I need to do? Assuming you are not killed by the horse that’s fucking you, what is the obligation of that horse? Did the horse enter that freely, have what they call a meeting of the minds? I think these are things to think about because there’s a lot of stuff happening in the world, today, John. And I think we’re going to be facing more and more of the lady horse type situations. You ever see Equus?

No.

It’s a complicated movie.

I don’t know a lot about horses, although my cousin runs a horse rehabilitation clinic outside of Austin. But in my experience—

Is that like if they’ve been drinking?

No, not for alcoholic horses. For racing horses and thoroughbred horses, for when they get hurt. It used to be that a horse would get hurt and you’d shoot it, because it was the Old West, and that was what you did in the Old West. If you didn’t know what to do with something, you shot it. But now they can do other things. They can make a $6,000,000 horse that’s better, faster, stronger.

I’d love to see the scene with Oscar Roland describing to the horse what he’d be able to do now.

“And for another thing, this is against my better judgment, you now have a bionic horse cock.”

“Yananananadadadaadaaaa.”

But my experience of horses is that if you make yourself a lady horse for a horse, and the following day you don’t know what to get them: alfafa. A horse will always appreciate a bouquet of alfalfa. And it works for any situation. It works if they’re recovering from $6,000,000 horse surgery, if you were a lady horse for them the night before and you’re a little shy the next day, alfalfa.

[Giggles] I fucking hate you. It’s way too early. I don’t think horses contrive in the same way that people do. I think horses — like dogs, which people also like to get fucked by — I think horses only want to please us. They want to feel useful, they’re like border collies.

They’re earnest. They are earnest animals.

Yeah, and so I don’t know, see. This is the problem now. Now I feel like I’m outside my element and I’m going to say things that are going to get me in trouble, but I don’t think horses over think this stuff. But the other problem is that horses don’t have phones, at least not in the same way that we do. Maybe they could be on the Facebook or something. This is very complicated today, John. I’ve said this before, but I think Valentine’s Day is a test, I think it’s a way to find out what somebody really thinks of you, and personally can I just say, lady horsing aside, I would love to be in a relationship where it was that clear. When we love each other, we have horse sex and then we give each other alfalfa. Can you just think back over the last twenty years, how much simpler everything would be?

If I could have given a bouquet of alfalfa, and everything would be right?

There’s so many garter belts I want to take back.

But here’s the thing about domesticating a horse. You remember that a horse is not automatically domesticated, a horse is free in the wind, and you have to break the horse.

Of course, of course.

You have to put a saddle on the horse and make the horse learn to like it.

Okay, now you’re getting into my territory. I saw a lady at the Albertsons probably six weeks ago, dressed up in her getting ready to ride a horse outfit, and I almost, my car flipped over. My kid, there’s just a pile of groceries and goldfish crackers, I was so disoriented.

Because she had a riding crop and a velvet hat?

No, it’s just those pants do something to a lady’s behind. And I’m not even a big behind guy.

They make it seem wider, is what they do.

They make it seem well cared for.

Those are expensive pants and a woman in a pair of pants like that has an expensive bottom.

It’s a very expensive bottom and you know what? That’s a lady who’s thought some things through. You don’t just show up at Albertsons in the giants boots and the tight pants and the little hat. You don’t just do that. That’s crazy!

No, she knows what she’s doing.

Yeah, like “I’m a sexy nurse,” fuck that, this is the real thing. Now I wanna cover one thing.

She’s been to the Korean spa and had a lady tweeze every last little piece of downy fur out of her bottom.

Because you get that from a horse.

No, her own downy fur, not the horse’s downy fur.

Oh you’re talking about butt bleaching? You know that’s a thing, you can get your butt bleached, did you know about that?

I did know about that.

Okay here’s the thing, I wanna close the hole on the Realdoll thing, here’s the thing. I haven’t gone through with this. I gotta be honest with you, I look at a lot of terrifying things on the internet, but there’s so many of these links I am not clicking on, just because I can’t, but if memory serves this is like buying a PC in the late nineties. You go in and give them a lot of specificity about what you’re looking for. If memory serves, down to things like finger nails. Like do you want that creepy french manicure thing? I don’t know, I think maybe when you choose the body types. I gotta say I give Abyss Creations of San Marcos, California a lot of credit, because they put the power in the hands of the horse man here.

I hope they sponsor us after this. I would like to get, if not a free doll then at least some money.

Mhm. Sounds to me like you might want to at least give one of these ladies a spin.

You know what? Take her round the block, I’m not going to deny it, I would be curious. I think I would have some remorse. I think the next day I might show up with some alfalfa and try to smooth it over.

Yeah, shine the saddle. If I may say, you know what, I don’t want to know what you like in bed.

Let me ask you this question.

Ask me anything.

Have you ever met a man who cared about a woman’s manicure? That is an example of a thing that women do for one another. I can’t imagine there’s a guy who’s like: “Oh your fingernails, oh my god. When I get this Realdoll I’m going to have her finger nails a certain way.”

Certainly I have never looked at a woman’s finger nails and thought that she did that for me.

I think that’s a really good question. First of all to answer your question, I don’t think I have, but I think there’s this whole constellation. So there’s all the bullshit that every mook likes, like: “I want her to have boobs,” and then there’s the other side that’s like: “I want her to have a prosthetic leg and be named Amy,” and then all in between there’s such a range.

Oh, you just flipped a switch I didn’t know was in me. Amy, Amy!

I was at the store for that in Portland the other day, I should have gotten you one.

You were at the prosthetic limb, prothetic, prosthetic limb store? Why am I suddenly speaking like Elma Fudd?

It’s called Famey Amy, it’s over in Stumptown. Hold for laugh. It’s actually a neighborhood in Portland. Stumptown?

Portland used to be called Stumptown.

That was almost a really great joke, right?

Yeah that was a great joke.

Right, moving on. Here’s the thing.

It was just a little too smart.

Right, okay. That’s what Nietzsche would have said. The thing about this is, yes there is a continuum, and in between, you could call it somewhere in between a preference and a fetish. And I think the fetish folks have a pretty good idea of what they’re looking for, not always an easy time getting it, but you know, the further off on the continuum you are, the more powerful that may be. I think a Realdoll comes in handy there. I think actually in the FAQ it kind of gives you an idea. I wanna get this right.

Handy, that was a pretty good joke.

Well, I think you can get a kind of handy. I think there’s one that’s like: “How much can I choke my doll without her breaking?”

Alright I clicked on FAQ.

How much can I choke my doll?

Dear Sir/Dear Sirs,

Okay, FAQ number twelve: “How much weight can the doll support?”

One sentence: “Realdolls can safely support over 400lbs.”

And I swear there are guys who have read that FAQ and gone:

“Only 400lbs? Darn!”

Number 14: “Tell me more about the Doll’s entries. What is the range of the Doll’s joints?”

Doll’s Entries, wasn’t that a Judas Priest record?

Give me a couple more. Oh: “Can a Realdoll’s fingers close and grip?”

There’s the handy. That’s the handy we were talking about.

Yep yep yep. There’s a lot in here. Oh my goodness there’s lots of stuff in here.

We are hemorrhaging listeners right now, by the way. So many people.

So to your point, you bring up a really, really excellent point though, and now we’re getting into anthropology as a thing. I think you’re right. I think there are some things, like — let’s be honest — mostly things like hairstyles, definitely style of dress, things like how you — I don’t want to say manicures, but how you choose to do the nails, you know. Like do you wear a scarf, do you have this kind of back pack? I think there’s a whole bunch of stuff that is very much a woman’s way, like a man’s way, the same as how a man would have an expensive thing, or a nice thing, or a signifying thing — I think there are people who buy iPhones because they want to be somebody who bought an iPhone. But I think there’s a lot of things where it could be a telegraph to other people. And I think there’s a lot of cute girls in Portland—

Mhm. That’s why I bought a telegraph.

Haha, see that’s too smart. For once. And there’s a lot of really, really cute ladies in Portland —I’ve realized — that would never want to have anything to do with me, but I respect that. And it’s kinda cool.

“Can I get customized labia [lah-bee-uh] and nipples?” That’s FAQ number one.

Labia [lah-bee-uh]?

“Yes, we are able to do customized genitalia and nipples.”

Your pronunciation of certain things is one of the great joys for me.

I would like to write them and just say:

“Can I get salami nipples?”

“No, Mr. Geen, you cannot get salami nipples.”

“Could she come with a lamp shade?”

The thing about girls in Portland, of course, this is the amazing thing.

Here’s the thing. There’s a lot of cute girls in Portland.

Well there are, but Portland used to be, at least, and I think this is still true about it. It was the place where punk rock and hippie perfectly melded.

That’s a great way to put it.

So that every punk rock girl is about 40% hippie, and every hippie girl is about 40% punk rock.

But so often it works! It shouldn’t work.

It shouldn’t work at all, but it works amazingly. So you’re driving around and you’re like:

“Eugh look at that stinky hippie,” but you’re like “oh wait she’s kinda punk! And so hot!” and then you’re like “Oh look at that punk girl, but oh wait, she’s kinda hippie!”

And it so works, girl after girl after girl. And I’ve never been to another place in the universe where the culture so perfectly combines these two generally disgusting stylistic and lifestyle choices and melds it into something that’s so appealing.

Yeah, and in a way, that’s — if I may say — organic. Like it doesn’t seem like you’re just slapping two things together, you know what I mean?

Yeah exactly organic. It’s like these girls all—

But you’ve seen people in Portland where you’re like:

“That’s a very attractive woman,” like you say “She’s very attractive,” right? In your head?

Well this is just the old “I went to a different town and the girls are all cute” problem. If you go to San Francisco there are so many cute girls in San Francisco that you just don’t know what to do with yourself.

Oh, especially if you’ve just been to L.A. Oh my god, that’s like Realdolls in cars. Which is a great Buzzcocks song.

Okay here’s the problem though, under custom dolls FAQ number 5: “Can you sculpt a custom head or likeness from a photo?”

Uh-oh.

Fortunately they can’t. A longer one though, sixth under custom dolls: “Can I have a doll made of a celebrity model or my ex-girlfriend?”

If I bring a driver’s license to you, can you make a Realdoll that looks just like the person on the driver’s license.

I bet a lot of guys want this to go to the next step which would be cloning. Which is like if I bring a sock that I stole, can you? Start with the foot, obviously.

If I bring some garbage that I found, can you pick the DNA from that?

Did you know you can buy a foot to fuck? There’s fuckable feet you can buy?

Not only did I know this, I saw one on the internet the other day. It’s not a lifelike foot that you are frottaging, it’s a foot that has a vagina in it.

Oh, I haven’t seen that. That’s a good idea.

Yeah and on the bottom of the foot there’s actually an orifice.

Does it look like an orifice that you have seen before?

Well it looks like an orifice that I’ve seen in other locations, but of all the women I’ve known, I have never seen one with an orifice on the bottom of her foot.

Okay, is it a front door or a back door?

It’s a front door. It’s a front door in a disembodied foot.

Okay, and which part of the fake rubber foot? Like, is it on the sole?

It’s the entire foot.

So it’s just one big sole vagina? A big sole vagina.

As you would say, the labia [lah-bee-uh] of the foot, of the dead rubber foot—

By the way one of the great rejected titles for Al Green record is Sole Vagina.

Ummm, so the thing that I think we have not fully established is that this is a bespoke dead rubber girl. You get to pick. Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t answer your previous question, and I don’t want to derail, but it’s a very important question.

So yes, on the continuum, on the one side you go—

We definitely don’t want to get derailed from this.

You know what? John, we have been friends for several years, and I have to tell you, I very seldom think ahead, I’m just very happy to just do things with you, as you know, but it’s hard for me to think of a non-obvious topic that needs deeper penetration than this issue.

We can talk about music, we’re still going to have our Paul McCartney show, there’s all kinds of bullshit that anybody could guess. “Oh boy, John and Merlin are gonna talk about toilet paper and food, let me fucking get my ummm…”

“Let me get my toilet paper and food so I can play along while they talk.”

That’s right, that’s right. That’s right. There’s a lot of customization available, you can pick the kind of hair you want, I’m gonna stop this in a minute, but I just wanna make it clear.

Well that’s the thing, you can’t. Let me ask you: what you’re saying is that it is impossible to buy a stock Realdoll, you have to make a custom Realdoll.

You’re gonna make me click on things.

You can’t just buy version A, you have to say:

Oh, boy, you’re not getting off that easy, buddy.

"I want Angelina Jolie lips and Charlize Theron’s posteria.

Oh my god, John, oh my fucking god. I am so sorry, I am breaking all my rules.

What did you find?

I’m looking at the internet, and I’m sending you a link in the robot, I’m sorry.

I’m still looking at Porches, here.

Whatever her name is, here’s the thing. You get a standard female with three entries. First of all, from now on I’m calling all of the penetrable lady parts “entries”.

Holy, my goodness! It’s $6000 for that!

Well, almost. It’s $5999. Now scroll down, you can get elf ears for $150. Keep going until you get to custom skin tones, go to skin tones.

Oh, Expression faces, that looks like Tawny Kitaen!

Oh, it sure does. Well she’s the one married to, who’s the one married to the guy in Journey?

Oh, I don’t know.

Is that Tané Cain? Tané Cain Kitaen?

Tawny Kitaen was married to the guy from Whitesnake, I think.

David Coverdale?

Oh, shemale dolls!

Yeah. Now can I just be clear about what you’re looking at?

Option A, look at the first sentence under option A. “Detachable penis.”

Oh my god, that’s that King Missile song! Remember that? “Detachable penis.” Second most disappointing show I ever went to.

Oh that’s sad.

Modest Mouse was the worst.

I know the guy from….

Yeah his name’s John Dongface or something. What’s his name? Dr. Phil?

He lives in San Francisco.

No, he seems nice. But he’s not very—

Wait, so you’re saying that Modest Mouse is the most disappointing rock show you’ve ever been to?

Yep.

Oh, I don’t want to get derailed from the shemale Realdoll, but what happened at the Modest Mouse concert?

I hope they were high. I hope they were either high, or they were mad about crap services, because I have never been to a more phoned in fucking show in my whole life. This is 1997–8. It’s around the time of Real Signs of the Real West, Highway West, what the fuck’s that album they had?

They were huffing modeling glue at that point. They were young guys from that point.

You know what, I can enjoy a lot of things, John. I like a lot of different kinds of music, you know? I don’t like a Low show, because I don’t like being shushed and being told to sit Indian style, I will not go to a Low show. I’ve been shushed at two different Low shows.

“For a permanently attached penis with testicles, but no vagina, add $750 to your order.”

Can I just ask if there’s anything to be lost by making it detachable? Because it seems to me that now you got options. Now let me ask you this: when you detach it, what do you have there? Is it a bolt? An entry? What do you have there?

Well that’s a good question. Oh, you can change to a different sized penis attachment. And additional penis attachments are $250.

Oh, John we’re being cynical about this. There is so much to this that we’re not taking into account. We’re coming in, and we’re just making jokes about this. This is flexibility.

Well here’s the thing, option C is permanently attached penis, no testicles, but with the vagina intact. And that costs $1000.

Oh, and that’s like a Jamie Lee Curtis kinda deal?

You have every option then.

Can I get you to click on female Realdoll 2, in the left rail?

Alright. What I’m impressed with is custom skin tones. You can get a blue doll.

Are you already there?

No.

Oh, sorry, yeah, you’re on the one with the— it’s funny that you should say that because I have developed a crush on a blue lady in Star Wars. Her name is Aayla Secura.

Is she in the cantina scene, or are you talking about one of the non-canonical Star Wars?

No, no it’s canonical. Well it’s canonical in the sense that it’s Clone Wars.

Clone Wars?

It’s a cartoon I watch with my kid, it’s so good. I think it’s in between two and three.

Oh, I see. It’s Star Wars fan-fic.

No, no. No, no. It’s a really good cartoon. Don’t look at the Lego ones, that won’t give you the right idea.

I’m attracted to the Victoria model, and Laila is kinda nice, too.

Huh, got you on my knees. Got me on my knees. [Giggles]

Victoria is kinda like an Irish lass, kind of a wide faced, Irish girl. And she seems mad. She seems a little drunk, even.

Yeah and what’s nice is that for seven minutes after you come in her, there’s a really long piano coda. Is that too smart, or not smart enough?

Oh I see what you’re talking about, you mean this blue cartoon girl. That girl was in the original Star Wars.

Well, oh here?

Wasn’t she on Jabba the hutt’s sex barge.

Oh no, no, no. I think you’re thinking of, no she’s the same, is she a Twi’lek? Oh god.

Aayla Secura, wasn’t she?

Is she a Twi’lek? Is that what it’s called? Yeah. I don’t know if I’m pronouncing that right. I know who you’re talking about, she gets thrown into the Rancor, because he’s displeased with her.

Right.

No, she’s a Twi’lek. Apparently she wears that outfit — according to the Wookieepedia — because it gives her more flexibility as a Jedi. She’s a badass.

She’s a Jedi?

Oh, she’s a fucking Jedi and she’s like super confident and blue.

What are her head appendages?

She’s a Twi’lek, they all have that. So that is a Twi’lek you saw. John, do you even know where Wookieepedia is?

On the internet?

Oh, John. Just go and search for Wookieepedia. And yes, it does have to “o”s and two “e”s. John can I ask you to click, can we just leave Aayla behind, I don’t want you to know about her right now. Let’s go to female Realdoll two, in the left rail. For anybody playing along, I hope you can figure all this out. And I just want to apologize again, whoever you are. Given that you have been the industry leader since 1996, I would like to extend a really serious apology to everyone at Realdoll (tm), of San Someplace. Are you there? Are you at female Realdoll 2 order form?

Yeah, I’m there. She weighs 80lbs and is 5’3"?

This is the problem with not finishing the first part of this. This is a really real fucking Realdoll. Like it weighs stuff. You pick it up and it feels like a lady. It feels like an honest-to-god, actual, real, dead rubber girl.

Oh here are your skin tone options: fair, Asian, medium, tanned and light African. You can’t get a dark African.

There’s no fucking Grace Jones button. I’d click the shit out of that.

See, that offended me. There should be a dark girl.

Now Amara, can I get an Amara with a fair?

Oh that would be crazy if you got Amara but with fair skin.

Do they do a preview? I bet it’s not a preview, I’d love to get a preview.

But you know what? She’d look like an albino black girl.

I look at every one of these Realdoll faces and I see a problem in the relationship with every one of these faces. And they’re all my fault.

You know in high school, my girlfriend was a red headed girl.

What was her doll name?

Her name was Kelly, she was a German-Irish girl. She had auburn hair and freckles.

Wow, so she was drunk and confident.

She was very confident. But we were walking down the street one day, and this was in the eighties, of course. And she had her hair, I think she’d done her hair in corn rows.

Eugh.

Yeah, I didn’t like it either, but it was the eighties, so everybody thought they were gonna be Bo Derek for a week and a half. So she had her hair in corn rows and we were walking down the street, and some red necks drive by, and roll down the window and shout out:

“Nigger lover!”

And they were referring to you?

And we turned around and we were the only people on the street, and then she looked at me, and we started laughing, and she said:

“They think I’m black.”

And then I looked at her, and all of a sudden this incredibly light faced, freckled Irish girl with corn rows transformed in my eyes into an albino black girl, in the same way that when you see an albino black person they look like a red headed Irish girl.

I think you may have found some human worm hole. That’s really weird, John.

That’s exactly right. We realized then that race was a myth!

Oh. You learned a lesson about love. Moving on. Now for your finger and toe nail color, are you going french manicure, pink, red, burgundy or bronze? I think I’m gonna go, I don’t like any of these. Can I get no polish? That’s not an option. There’s red, I guess that’s kinda obvious.

Oh, french manicure.

Oh I hate french manicures so much.

I do too, but it’s better than any of those other ones.

You know what, we don’t have time anymore. We don’t have time anymore. Oh no, they’re so disgusting. It just says, like, biz-dev girl. Now hairstyle, this is going to be complicated. I can get a custom hairstyle, that’s nice.

I don’t want natural lips, because those don’t look natural, they look like peach melba.

I wish they’d let me redesign this website for them. There’s a lot of UI things that could make this a lot easier here. Oh my goodness the shemale converter for $399. John.TKTKTK

My hand to God, I think we saw that at the exact same second. Oh, boy you don’t wanna zoom in on that.

I do not. I am zooming out. I am zooming out across the room.

It looks like either a workout machine or some kind of frosty drink maker. Or maybe a video game, like a flight based video game.

I don’t see how — architecturally — that could support a 400lb man.

I think that the shell that holds the dingus into the body of the dead rubber girl is going to have to be very strong. I think that’s steel based.

Yeah, there’s titanium. You know what it is? It’s a Terminator body under there.

I was worried that that gland was just gonna pop right off.

It’s some kind of Terminator thing, and that way I don’t know what you would do. The only reason to have that appendage, that apparatus attached to this girl is that you would sit on it. You would make yourself a lady horse.

[Sharp intake of breath] Well there it is, John! I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but here it is: question answered. Look into the shemale converter that I just sent you. That explains it. They’re using Physics.

That doesn’t explain it. Oh, maybe if it’s all made out of silicone.

No, it’s five basic machines. Okay, John can I just point out?

Oh you only have to work out for four minutes a day, and the exercise machine costs $40,000.

That’s right. It’s 30lbs of solid steel. Can I point out two things that I just figured out where the real money is. So yes sir, you will be paying $6000 for one of these, can I point out two things?

Oh, wait a minute. Shit, I have so much to cover. Vagina attachment style, permanent or removable.

Look at this. Okay, so go down to extra options and what do you see? One cup, just, literally, one cup size larger breasts. How much?

Uhh, I navigated away. I couldn’t look anymore. But now you’ll have to walk me back through there. I’m looking at elf ears. I feel like I’m at Comic-Con.

Why, because there’s lots of men?

I feel like that because there’s one girl in elf ears surrounded by 6000, 400lb men.

So hard for me to understand why anyone would go to that.

I had a great time.

Hm. I want to go back to that. So here’s the thing: these ladies, these Realdoll ladies. Did I say that right? Again I wanna apologize to the Realdoll people, trade mark.

Okay so here’s the thing. So these girls have, in situ, as they arrive, in context, something that I would describe as very near jugs.

Hooters.

They’re C-cups. And I gotta say, of all the cups, the C-cup personally is one of my favorite cups. I think the C-cup is a good amount. It’s like a medium sized Coke.

Oh oh oh. Under the shemale converter, you did not see the “Click here to see the masterpiece eyes collection.”

Oh, ok I’m closing that. And just above that, John, please look at one cup size larger breasts and tell me the number.

$850 for one cup size?

You want a D-cup, you’re gonna pay $850 more. Now may I get you to go to the very bottom of the page and look for the red text because I think this is where it all comes together.

“Realdoll express.”

$500.

“Your doll is guaranteed to be manufactured and shipped within 4 weeks from receipt of payment.”

Mhm.

Wow. “Normal manufacturing time is estimated at 8 weeks.” Could be longer.

Can I ask you a question? There’s something I learned, back in the day, as you know I used to do things with web pages. Well first of all we all know the economic notion of sunk cost fallacy, we all know that, for example, if I can get someone to fill out the first page of a form, let’s say all I’m asking for is your name and city. Just that act of making you go to the next page really — oddly enough — increases the chance that you’ll fill out the whole form, because you spent some time on it. Now. Here’s the thing: I can see someone getting a bottle of Absolut and spending a real long time filling out this form. Trying out some different things. I’ve done this with building Macs. I’ve gone in and said what if I get this hard drive, what if I get that hard drive? You get down to the bottom and you’ve been thinking a lot about all the different you can fuck your dead rubber girl, right?

You get to the bottom and you see that little click box for Realdoll “Express” and you realize that there’s a fork in the road now, my friend. You can either wait. You can wait for four weeks to fuck a dead rubber girl, or you can wait for 8 weeks to fuck a dead rubber girl.

You can pay $500 and cut your time in half.

You’re literally spending. Can I just clarify one thing? And I just wanna apologize to the Realdoll family, but that includes all three entries.

Yeah, this is the thing.

This is the thing about an entry.

What it is is you’re paying $500, which is a comparatively small amount of money to never, ever, ever be alone again.

Or to, in fact be permanently alone.

And that’s no small thing. That’s worth $500.

You can’t put a price on that, John. Well being permanently lonely in a way that really works plus having those fucking white finger nails? And a dong you can take out? Boy there’s options here that you’re just not gonna find in a lot of places. This is flexibility, John.

Yeah. You can get tan lines.

I’m gonna go with Michelle. Jenny?

The Gibson guitar company used to have a website where you could make your own Les Paul. And I went on there many, many, many times and I made my fantasy Les Paul, and I never clicked “buy”.

My parents did that with catalogues. They’d fill out catalogues and then never send them in.

And then they quit doing it, they quit having it on their website because it was too useful. It was too good.

Let me just guess that you’re not representing them anymore.

No, I am, but I don’t care anymore. So one time I was in Nashville, and I went to the Gibson guitar custom manufacturing area, which is not where they make all the Gibsons, it’s the custom shop. And I went and I got a tour of it, because I was sponsored by them. And we’re walking around and there’s Les Pauls everywhere, and SGs everywhere, and all these beautiful guitar bodies, and natural, you know, the natural wood.

Like there’s not like a sunburst or anything on it yet, it just looks beautiful.

It’s just a piece of wood, there’s not even a neck on it. And I’m like:

“So, what if I took that, and I put this neck on it? And I put these pick ups on it?” and I was doing the thing that I used to do on the website, except that I was doing it in person with these amazing parts.

Luthers, luthiers, what are they called?

Luthiers, all standing around, people that had, the little ladies who are smoking cigarettes with their really long finger nails. There are ladies at the Gibson place whose job it is to take a razor blade and just scrape the paint off of the binding, with this kind of perfect line.

Without nicking it.

Yeah. And it’s not done by a machine, it’s these little 60 year old, chain smoking ladies who sit with a razor blade all day and just peel the paint off of the binding after the guitars have been sprayed, and I’m watching this and I’m like:

“Okay here’s the guitar I want,” and I’m talking to the guy who runs the custom shop and I get to the end of my little soliliquy and what I have described in Neil Young’s black ’54 Les Paul or whatever, but made for me.

Three pickups?

No, just two. And the guy says:

“Yeah that’d be great, we could totally do that, except that we’re not allowed to. The guy that runs the company doesn’t want us to spend time making custom, cool guitars for people. He wants everybody to buy the ’59 Les Paul reissue because he doesn’t know what guitar players are like.”

And this is why they’re going out of business?

“He bought the company because he’s a rich guy, and he’s always coming down here and saying ‘I know, let’s make a Les Paul covered with flames and purple fur! We’ll get the whole purple fur and flame rock people.’”

Now did you demand satisfaction? Did you walk in there?

I screamed bloody murder. Can you imagine what I did?

John, I can imagine. I can imagine that you knocked a couple people down and ran up the stairs and busted down the fucking door in his office. I bet he wasn’t there. I bet he wasn’t even there.

He wasn’t there.

Fucker.

Here’s what I learned: All the people at the Gibson custom shop are all guitar makers, and they all looked at me with sad eyes and said:

“Yeah. Can you imagine what it’s like for us, here? Who have not only access to this stuff, but also the ability? We are craftspeople, and we would like nothing more than for you to tell us your custom Les Paul dream. But we can’t do it because there’s not a skew number.”

This is the exact quote: “There’s no skew number for that.”

Oh my god. Skews are very important in business. You wanna limit your number of skews.

At the time I didn’t know what a skew was, and I said: “What’s the difference? It’s a Les Paul, you paint it this color instead of that color.”

And they’re like: “No, if you paint it a different color it’s gotta have a different skew number, that’s the rule,” and they all looked so defeated, they looked so sad as they made one after another identical ’59 Les Paul reissue. And I walked out of there with my shoulders slumped. I mean it was a beautiful experience to see the guitars made and meet all these wonderful people, but I was slump-shouldered that someone could have, here’s what they said: “His model is Harley Davidson.”

Oh, for the love of God.

“He wants to have that kind of thing.”

So he wants to sell a bunch of bullshit to bald, suburban guys and ruin the whole thing that made this good in the first place?

Exactly. Yeah. He’s like: “We can make a lot more money selling keychains that say Gibson on them than we can selling guitars.”

Oh my god, what’s this guy’s name?

I don’t know. I’m probably going to get in trouble, but who cares?

Am I jumping ahead to far here, John, or are you thinking what I am thinking? Which is that I pray to God that this cocksucker never buys Realdoll. And again, I wanna apologize to the people at Realdoll, and I wanna just say…

What I’m afraid of is that there’s gonna be a Gibson branded Realdoll, where she has like F holes on her.

Oh, I see. F entries.

In addition to the three normal entries, there would be F entries.

You know I’m much more worried about this cocksucker coming in. You know, not even a cocksucker. He may change one of the entries. He may take off the mouth. He may decide that every doll can only have one hole, that nothing can fit in. Right, he might want a ’59 reissue. What if you can only buy, let’s see, who would it be? What if you could only buy Ethel Mertz? What if you could only buy an Ethel Mertz sex doll? The neighbor from I Love Lucy.

I think I would do what I have done with the Gibson guitar, which is not order one.

You get a horse.

Oh my goodness, Gibson. Merlin. I just called you Gibson. Which is actually my mom’s dog’s name. Gibson, Gibson!

Is Gibson still around?

Yeah Gibson’s still around. Yeah, he’s twelve years old now.

Aww, I love Gibson.

But if you go up to the top, now it’s getting terrible.

Tell me where you are.

Go up to the top of the Realdoll screen. You can buy torsos that have no limbs.

[Laughs] No no no no no!

Torsos with no limbs! Just the points of entry.

John, click on extra faces.

Oh you can get extra faces?

Extra faces!

Oh, see now. Face 13 is smiling.

Oh, see now. Oh my gosh, the polish is off the finger nail. If you can buy extra fucking torsos and faces. I mean first of all, A: are you gonna blow through those? You know, are you gonna tear it up that bad?

Look, you can get them where they’re smiling so they don’t look like stupid Angelina Jolie, like, shock face. But they have smiley faces.

You mean like we said before, the sex face. It’s a sex face.

Yeah most of them have the sex face, the like duuhhhh. And you can get them smiling and then you can get them with their eyes closed, so they are not judging you. They’re not watching you with their judgey eyes.

Staring, staring, staring. I thought we’d be someplace better by now.

Oh wait, here’s the sad thing: the smiley faces do not have an oral opening.

[Giggles] Can I get that? Detachable irony.

You’re gonna want a smiley face, but what can you do with a smiley face? All you can do is appreciate it.

Okay, we gotta get going, but can I tell you one thing? Did you know you can buy these used?

That’s a lie.

You can buy pre-owned.

They have pre-owned?

I read about this, you can buy pre-owned.

Now who? Where do you? I guess that’s something you find on the internet.

I guess steam cleaning, I don’t know.

I think you can probably clean these girls.

I could get a horse like this.

Would you get it smiling?

Ah. I’d probably get it alfalfa.

Would you get the smiley horse face though, or would you get the sex horse face?

[Giggles] Dead rubber girl.